Al-gebra

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an unidentified individual - later
discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a
flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General
disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every
triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love
to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we
must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential
to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless
we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to
multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."